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The Exam

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Addressing subtle obstacles to a purified or liberated consciousness is a very private, introspective matter. The deeper you dig, the worse you initially feel about yourself. You shine the light of awareness and truth upon your human nature in all its imperfections and you start to feel insecure and weak. Do not disparage yourself. The truth is that this is a sign of unimaginable strength. You should feel more encouraged about your growth and potential. If you proofread an essay before turning it in for an exam and you find a bunch of mistakes, you are given the opportunity to fix those mistakes before you are graded by the teacher. The presence of mistakes doesn’t indicate weakness. Ignoring them out of fear or laziness however, indicates a person who has no conception of how amazing they really are. Proofread your mind and correct your mistakes before “turning-in,” but never succumb to the black hole of a negative self-image which will incessantly pull at you down like a force of psychological gravity. And to continue the metaphor of the exam, remember that no one else can proofread your mind to find the errors, nor can they fix them. You are on your own in that regard. Reliance on others, like cheating during an exam, will not turn out well for you.

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My Challenge This Summer

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Very stressed figuring out what i’m going to do with my life. I’m doing a lot, and i’m planning to do a lot more. I’m trying to address the last remaining neuroses, trauma, conditionings, and mental obstacles which stand between me and the higher stages of consciousness. I’m trying to figure out how to survive in a society which is designed to be draining. I’m trying to create and learn for the world in the meantime, so that i don’t feel like i’m wasting my time.

My most deeply rooted feeling is of not being good enough, of being bad, of being imperfect. It drives most of the bad and even some of the good aspects of who i am. But it is a falsehood which i must overcome to transcend my ego. With so much to give the world, i feel continual disappointment in myself if i am not giving to the world to the best of my imagination. While it sometimes can fuel my active creation, it generally pulls me towards isolation and away from self-acceptance. But even if i do create positively, if my motivation is proving that i’m good enough, or “being my best,” that is an impure motivation. My motivation must be purified in the desire to benefit all living things.

So here’s my vicious cycle: OCD thoughts around the false, seemingly innate belief that I’m not good enough lead to less-than-ideal thoughts, words, and actions, which i obsess over, and i spiral downwards continually into confusion and feeling lost. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. This summertime i will work to transcend these obscurations. I owe it to myself and to the countless sentient beings i will one day benefit. Recognizing this is the beginning of the ascent.