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the door unlocked

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i keep the door unlocked
because she could stop by
but why?
why do i care
or stare
at the wall and the screen?
an ephemeral glimpse of a dream
a clandestine crush
your face a rush
of blood in my brain
i see the weight of the pain
but i am beyond the tears
the fears,
the doubts, the leers, on account
of the love of my friends
and myself
so leave me on the old bookshelf
as i so leave you, too, i rue
the day you came into my eye
everytime i think i die
but soon i’ll fly
free
and above the clouds i’ll see
the glimmer of light and power,
the shower, of love,
i have it,
within
And i‘m not giving it to you anymore
because i feel the shore
draws near, again
to my end
of growth
i awoke
inside my sin
of leaving the door unlocked
within
and without,
so the reaper will come in and shout:
“wake up you stupid fuck!
this dream is shit!”
from it i wish
to find my peace
never to see my heart so in pieces.
until the next “she” awakens my fears,
perhaps then wasted years,
perhaps i’ll have a few more beers;
to steer away from all this woe
there is no place i will not go.
so fucking fight me now, OK?
Today I love me. Today.

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Loving Easily, Hurting Easily

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Why is it that i want so badly to say the words “I love you” to a woman? The funny thing is, I’m pretty sure i mean it every time. I love so easily. And why should it be any different with people when i love everything in the world so intensely? I love life. I love living and thinking and experiencing every new possible thing. Why should i not love people? Except that it frightens away these people i love.

Love of a person is unfortunately tantamount to drug addiction in the brain. The brain lights up just the same. It can only be healthily managed the same as how one can manage drug use–by maintaining all of one’s other important social connections and areas of life. Probably the biggest withdrawal comes from social psychology, where our sense of self is something of an amalgam of the people we are closest to. The brain literally processes it’s sense of self as though it extended to include these other people: They are perceived as literal extensions of ourselves, like another limb. So if it’s not already hard enough to break a drug addiction, you also have to go through the experience of losing a limb. Loving easily is truly a fucking curse. It’s no wonder most people are so guarded against love. It’s so painful. At least with drugs the drug can’t willingly choose to stop letting you take it. There is a security in that that we can never really have with other people.

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In my case, i love so easily that i don’t even know when i’m in love. I just assume so when i feel my mind being ripped apart. And you know, it’s funny, because i have an anti-addictive personality with every other facet of life. But oxytocin is one hell of a chemical, and attachment theory is true as day. So for now i am trapped in this curse of loving. Every time is only harder than the last. It becomes more routine, but still more painful. Like breaking the same bone every year or two in the same place. You get used to it happening but the pain is worse each time.

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I just want to feel happy and whole. I want to be productive again, as i was before my addiction started anew. I want control over my mind and life. I cannot experience this kind of pain too much more before it drives me to a dark place.