I’m tired of all the bullshit that society puts into the heads of men and women about what’s attractive. And i’m tired of inauthenticity in people for fear of how they will be viewed by others.
When i think about the subjects that interest me: languages, philosophy, science, religion, spirituality, the arts, music, consciousness, sociology, etc., i’m filled with a burning enthusiasm: The kind of enthusiasm that children get when they’re going to an amusement park or opening presents on their birthday. I’m in awe, constantly in awe, of the growth and development of my own consciousness, as well as the consciousnesses of those around me, and of the world as a whole.
I lose myself in creative endeavors: Nightly in improvisation on guitar, and regularly in the form of designing new methods of study, of thinking, generating new ideas, unlocking the mysteries of “life, the universe, and everything.” And for 21, i’d say i’ve done a pretty decent job so far.
My general nature in life is to try to learn from every single little experience. For me, play is learning; pleasure is learning; dancing is learning; taking an intoxicant (on rare occasion) is learning; love is learning; all of life and existence is knowledge–fuel for the fire of my comprehensive life education. Why is this? Why do i hold the view of the entire universe as a classroom designed solely for my own personal enlightenment? Because it CAN be. Because it should fucking be. Because any moment not spent trying to better myself feels to me like a moment of life, a breath lost, a gift left unopened (or at least unused).
Why am i this way? What do i hope to get out of this? I hope to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all sentient beings. I hope to be the very best i can be, and know the most i can know, so that i can create the most i can create to advance the human species, and to help the most people. This is EVERYTHING. This is all that matters. Yes, it’s fucking intense. But to me, witnessing suffering in others makes it justified. I don’t understand how one can learn of the brutal rape and torture of a little girl somewhere in Asia, or the death by starvation and dehydration of a group of homeless children in Africa, or the sufferers of a natural disaster who watch their family die, or witness racism, sexism, homophobia, and the infinite crippling ignorances of the human race and NOT want to devote themselves to fighting this raging fire of strife and pain that burns in the world as it forever has, however futile it may be to attempt such an impossible task.
So yeah. I can be a tad intense from time to time.
But despite this intensity which largely defines the core of who i am, i enjoy life. I love life. Life is fucking incredible and amazing and awe-inspiring and beautiful and full of wonder. I want nothing more than to dive head first into the endless sea of creativity, information, and beauty of which existence is composed, and to then share that with the world until the suffering is all but gone. And we exist in a time where this is more possible than ever! Even if never fully attainable, i can never imagine doing anything else.
So when i go to a party and have a couple of drinks and dance, when i relax, masturbate, procrastinate my duties, or any other un-productive action, i attempt to extract from that experience every last iota of information and wisdom that i can draw from it. This is what makes me feel alive. It’s what makes me feel awake. And i want nothing more than to wake up and to help others awaken.
This is because when you awaken, you awaken to all the beauty, bliss, peace, wisdom, and love that is possible for our miniscule, limited spheres of consciousness to manifest and comprehend. When you awaken, you are truly happy and on the right course to spread your happiness and creativity to others.
I have long had a struggle in life with romance. My life has been a balancing act between this awesome, spiritual, wise, creative, beautiful world, and this area of life which seems “other” and separate somehow. Romance has taught me more perhaps than any other thing in my life, and i have extracted from the experience of it knowledge which, if i lived in an earlier period of human history, i might have called divine. But it remains a sort of vague mystery to me. It remains a kind of black hole of confusion, self-doubt, uncertainty, anxiety, anger, and my own suffering. Invariably, when i have engaged in some sort of romantic involvement i feel unable to devote the energy i wish to devote to my task of growth for the sake of the world. But without the romance i have invariably been inspired (sometimes by the prospect or the disappointment of the romance itself) to multiply my efforts and my energies in creativity, wisdom, knowledge, and compassion every day.
It makes me feel lonely–a strange kind of lonely–because it’s not a social loneliness; I caution to even call it emotional. This loneliness feels strangely biological. And with said loneliness, on top of the weight of my chosen life task, i am a fairly tense person. This tension means i don’t like to waste time with bullshit. The tension makes me nervous and self-conscious around just about any woman around my age. The tension is contributing to my genetic predisposition to balding, which at this point is irreversible, save expensive treatments. The rest of my senses appear to be gradually weakening as well, (which i am trying to fight through exercise to increase my strength) and i can’t imagine the tension is helping this at all. I don’t usually notice the tenseness because i usually feel emotionally pretty relaxed. But through taking an intoxicant or engaging in a profound spiritual practice or event, i feel the difference in relaxation profoundly.
And unfortunately for me, loneliness, tension, not putting up with bullshit, balding, nervousness and lack of confidence in social skills with the opposite sex, and an intense view and goals in life make one generally romantically unappealing. But is this a curse, or a gift? Is this a major life lesson? Probably, but what is the lesson meant to teach? Possibly nothing in particular–it might just be up to me to derive what meaning from it i so choose. But what meaning is the ideal one for my growth? I don’t know. Romance has felt strangely alien to me throughout my life, as has material/sensory pleasures. Am i fighting for something not meant for me?
My questions will be answered soon. Many are in the process of being answered (or i already know the answers, but have to ask the question again anyway in the hopes of finding a different answer). I hope i can meet a woman one day who embodies similar life goals and interests. I hope i can meet a woman who is day in and day out filled with a child-like energy and happiness at scholarly subjects and creative works like me. A woman who can inspire me and be inspired by me. A woman who accepts me, who i can accept likewise. A woman who isn’t so bothered by my intensity, and who instead meets it with the kind of calm i need to truly relax. I hope such a woman exists. But what i really hope is that whatever i need to grow the most and help the world the most is what will unfold for me, even if that means being lonely.
For now, i will just be lonely. But rest assured i will fucking learn from it.