Very stressed figuring out what i’m going to do with my life. I’m doing a lot, and i’m planning to do a lot more. I’m trying to address the last remaining neuroses, trauma, conditionings, and mental obstacles which stand between me and the higher stages of consciousness. I’m trying to figure out how to survive in a society which is designed to be draining. I’m trying to create and learn for the world in the meantime, so that i don’t feel like i’m wasting my time.
My most deeply rooted feeling is of not being good enough, of being bad, of being imperfect. It drives most of the bad and even some of the good aspects of who i am. But it is a falsehood which i must overcome to transcend my ego. With so much to give the world, i feel continual disappointment in myself if i am not giving to the world to the best of my imagination. While it sometimes can fuel my active creation, it generally pulls me towards isolation and away from self-acceptance. But even if i do create positively, if my motivation is proving that i’m good enough, or “being my best,” that is an impure motivation. My motivation must be purified in the desire to benefit all living things.
So here’s my vicious cycle: OCD thoughts around the false, seemingly innate belief that I’m not good enough lead to less-than-ideal thoughts, words, and actions, which i obsess over, and i spiral downwards continually into confusion and feeling lost. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. This summertime i will work to transcend these obscurations. I owe it to myself and to the countless sentient beings i will one day benefit. Recognizing this is the beginning of the ascent.